[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]

Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey: Come on, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler: All right Joey, be nice.  So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl!

Monica: Okay, everybody relax, relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

All: Oh, yeah. I’ve had that dream.

Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Joey: Instead of...?

Chandler: That's right.

Joey: Never had that dream.

Phoebe: No.

Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. 

Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?

Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very, very weird, because she never calls me!

[Ross has entered.]

Ross: Hi.

Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck…

Chandler: Cookie?

Monica: Carol moved her stuff out today. 

Joey: Ohh.

Monica:  Let me get you some coffee.

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! 

Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe: Fine!  Be murky!

Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica: No you don't.

Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know,  how should I know?

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian...  Did I say that out loud?

Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman sobbing at 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what?  A wrong number?

Ross: Sorry.

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! 

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?

Monica: Decaf. Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? 

Rachel: Sure! Hi.

Ross: Hi. 

(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens.  He sits back down defeated again.  A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee) Sweet’n low?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'.  So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... 

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. 

Chandler: Tuna or egg salad?  Decide!

Ross:  I'll have whatever Christine is having.

Rachel:  Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

Phoebe:  If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.

Chandler: Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. 

Joey: I say push her down the stairs. 

Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:  Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I don’t want you buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.

Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. 

Monica: Well, I guess we've established she's staying here with Monica...

Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

[Time Lapse, Rachel is breathing into a paper bag.]

Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... 

Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Doorbells and sleigh bells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string.  These are a few…    

Rachel: I'm all better now.

Phoebe: I helped!

Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, you know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole hat thing. 

Joey: And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot. 

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! 

Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

Chandler: I got it. Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Paul: It's, uh, it's Paul.

Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30?  Buzz him in!

Joey: Who's Paul?

Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

Monica: Maybe. 

Joey: Wait a minute. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?

Ross: He finally asked you out?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. 

Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...

Rachel: Oh, God, Please, no, go, I’ll be fine!

Monica: Ross, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

Ross: That'd be good...

Monica:  Really?

Ross: No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot?

(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)

Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.

All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Monica: Ok, I’ll just, I’ll be right back. I’ve just gotta go…

Ross:  A wandering?

Monica: Change. Ok, sit down.  Two seconds.

Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

Joey: Hey, Paul. Here is a little tip. She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.

Monica: Shut up, Joey!

Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your-  -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.

Chandler:  Yes, and we're very excited about it. 

Rachel: Well，actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been a long day.

Ross: Okay, sure.

Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

[Scene: The subway. Phoebe is singing for change.]

Phoebe: Love is sweet as summer showers. Love is a wondrous work of art. But your love oh, your love, your love.... is like a giant pigeon. Crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la…ohhh!

 La la la la …..

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

Ross:  I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no bracket-y thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.

(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)

Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.

Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.

Joey:  What's this?

Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.

Joey: Which goes where?

Chandler: I have no idea.

(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

Joey: Done with the bookcase!

Chandler: All finished!

Ross: This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.

Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're out of here.

Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.

Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?

Ross: You guys.

Chandler: Oh, God.

Joey: You got screwed.

Chandler: Oh my God!

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]

Monica: Oh my God!

Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?

Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-

Monica: -leg?

Paul: (laughing) That's one way of doing it! Me, I- I went for the watch.

Monica: You actually broke her watch?  Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.

Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.

Monica: That's right. 

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]

Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other night about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me.  And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance to... (The machine cuts her off again and she redials.)

[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]

Ross: I'm divorced!  I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: You must stop!

Ross: That only took me an hour.

Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it!  I don't think that was my point!

Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman for her...

Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Chandler: Then Stay out of my freezer!

To be continuted............

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