Commercial Break 

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.] 

Monica: Hi.. how was the game? 

Ross: Well.. 

All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! 

Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? 

Joey: Alan. 

Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-... 

Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. 

Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.. 

Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. 

Ross: What? 

Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan? 

Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan. 

Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. 

Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan. 

[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person (Lizzie) she knows.] 

Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie. 

Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl. 

Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup. 

Lizzie: Pick out the vowels? 

Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. You know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. 

(She searches in her purse.) 

Lizzie: Saltines? 

Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? 

Lizzie: What? Oh my God, there's really money in here. 

Phoebe: I know. 

Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing? 

Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it. 

Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. 

Phoebe: Oh, It's fine, you don’t- 

Lizzie: You want my tin-foil hat? 

Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks. 

Lizzie: Please, let me do something. 

Phoebe: Okay, alright, I’ll tell you what, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay? 

Lizzie: Okay. 

Phoebe: Okay. 

[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray.  He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette.   While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]

[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]

Lizzie: Keep the change. 

Phoebe: Thanks, Lizzie

Lizzie：Sure you don't wanna pretzel? 

Phoebe: No, I'm fine. Thanks. 

Lizzie: See you. 

(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.) 

Phoebe: Huh! 

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.]

Ross: A thumb?! 

(Phoebe nods.) 

All: Eww! 

Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitchhiker! 

Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five? 

Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see? 

All: Nooo! Thanks!

(Chandler lights a cigarette.)

All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Put that out! Put it out! Come on!

Rachel: It's worse than the thumb! 

Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair! 

Monica: Oh, why is it unfair? 

Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this? 

Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? 

Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it. 

Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? 

Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, alright? I think it's endearing. 

Joey: Oh,  "you do, do you"? 

(Monica laughs and snorts.) 

Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. 

Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work. 

Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. 

Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on. 

(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]

Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? 

Paula: No. 

Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. 

Paula: Wait wait.. we’re talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through! 

Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing. 

Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! 

Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. 

Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. 

Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about. 

[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]

Joey: Don’t you have any respect for your body? 

Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself? 

Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. 

Rachel: Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. 

Chandler: Really? He does?  Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks!

Rachel:  God, he's good. 

Ross: If only he were a woman. 

Rachel: Yeah. 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyond except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.] 

Chandler: Ooh, Lamb chop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. 

Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. 

Monica:  Hey. Where's Joey? 

Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? 

Rachel: I think he's across the hall. 

Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.) 

Ross: There you go. 

Chandler: Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. 

Ross: Hey Phoebe, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? 

Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? 

Ross: Hey, I might! 

Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb. 

All: Oh my God. 7000 dollars? 

Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?! 

Joey:  What's going on? 

Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together. 

Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.. 

Rachel: Uh, Joey.. 

Joey: Oh, God!

Monica: Okay.. 

All: Oh! That was Lamb chop! 

Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk. 

Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not. 

Monica: Alright, we have to talk. 

Phoebe: There it is! 

Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. 

Rachel: Oh, speaking of which, would you tell him we’re on for the Renaissance Fair next weekend?

All: Oh yeah!

Monica: Guys, before you get into that, There’s something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan. 

(They all gasp and clutch each other.)

Ross: Is there somebody else? 

Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change. 

Rachel: We didn't change.. 

Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that? 

Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair) 

Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending- 

Joey: Okay! 

Monica: No,-but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you! 

Ross: Yeah? Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were. 

Monica: I'm sorry.. 

Chandler: Oh, she's sorry! I feel better! 

Rachel:  I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family- 

Monica: I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans. 

All: Oh, yeah! Right! 

Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay? 

Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time. 

Monica:  I understand. 

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to Alan.]

Alan: Wow. 

Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry. 

Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved. 

Monica: Relieved? 

Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends. 

Closing Credits 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is mopping around and eating ice cream.] 

Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun. 

Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking. 

Monica:  Hi. 

All: Mmm. Hi

Ross: So how'd it go? 

Monica: Oh, y'know.. 

Phoebe: Did he mention us? 

Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. 

Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. 

Monica: Oh, you have no idea.

Ross: come here. 

Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. 

All: No no no! 

Chandler:  I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke! 

Phoebe:If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars! 

Chandler: Yeah, alright.

End